Time is a great healer ….


Driving is my safe place, a place to think, feel calm, to sing, enjoy solitude and to grieve. I wondered at times what people think when they see a woman driving, singing at the top of her voice whilst sobbing uncontrollably, thankfully those days rarely exist any more and I've reached a point where I simply don't care.

Today, driving in the gray, rainy weather, my mind wandered, randomly opening the doors of my mind and peeking in. One door, that usually remains firmly closed, swung open and my heart tested gingerly to see if it was ready for what was behind it. For the first time in 10 years and 8 months, surprisingly there was no agonising pain. Softly, gently, for the first time  I probed the question … what did Pat think and feel upon the impact of his pickup rolling over and flipping?  Did he realise the exact moment when the pickup started it's way across the road and down the embankment? The truck flipping and rolling end to end and side to side before stopping upright? Did he feel pain?

Thoughts of what I knew came to mind … Pat telling his mate to just let him out of the truck and he would be ok if he could just walk around. Not knowing that his neck was broken and walking was no longer an option. He was incredibly cognisant of date, time, place and who his wife was until consciousness waned. Was he aware of the blood streaming down his face, of his body slumped cocooned in the space between the steering wheel and seat for the hour it took to cut his body free?

What about the lifeflight? His blood spurting onto the medic's shoe as his life ebbed? Was he aware of the fight for life going on in the helicopter as it flew to the hospital?  Did he feel his brother's hands lovingly placed on his head as pleas for life, guidance of Dr's hands and gratitude for familial bonds flew heavenward?

Did he hear and recognise my voice as I whispered in his ear?

Are there answers ? Yes, just not yet, one day when my heart stops beating. Today, there is gratitude and soft, gentle joy for growth and understanding.  Has it really been 10 years and 8 months? Those numbers slip easily away, my mind confused at the conundrum of just how Long and short that time has been. I am grateful for the first door swinging wide open and know that those remaining locked doors will do the same in much less time. Yes, time is a great healer ……