Time, incomprehension and numbness.

1 year, 10 months and 26 days seems like forever. Yet, in that same space it feels like a minute ago.  And my heart and mind still can't comprehend that you are not here physically.  I can't touch you. I can't smell you. I can't hear your voice. I can't feel your kiss. And what is worse, my mind at this time doesn't recall them.  Being apart physically for 5 years before you died expedited that part of the grieving process.

 How do I marry the extremely physical pain of your death and the knowledge of hearing and feeling your spiritual self ? It doesn't make sense. I want you back but yet I know how happy and whole you are, I wouldn't want you to return to your broken body.  I just want you back, physically. To love, to hold, to kiss, to enjoy all that this beautiful world has to offer. My impatience shows all the time.  I just want to be with you.  

How did we get to this so quickly ?

Numbness has become my friend and my confusion.  There are more days, sometimes weeks, when I feel no pain, no real sorrow nor any great joy or feelings of love. Just existence. A strange shadow of myself.  Sometimes, my thoughts whirl, should I feel numb, why don't I feel that pain?  Is this "normal" ? I have no idea. I try on ideas from others who are grieving, does that fit? Maybe there is no normal...just agony, tears, and waiting.