As time moves on, I am thinking more and more that this is only easy when that love has been for a short length of time. And only when there has been a finalisation and a healing. A past love that has 20 years behind it does not really become past.
I had 15 years between husbands to overcome that past love. Plenty of time to heal and move onward. I wish things had been that way for my husband. How difficult it is to be in love with a man who still loves his high school sweetheart. Throw into that mix memory loss, especially the loss of OUR memories. Our marriage does not exist in his mind as much as his first one does. It's the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of love. I hear the excitement in his voice as he recounts memories from his past love. I hear the emotion. I hear the connection that in his memory still exists between them. It hurts. It hurts to have him living between two worlds. It hurts to know I will never experience marriage the way I had believed and understood that I would.
I am thankful that that hurt is no longer as consuming as it was. I am thankful that I am able to stand back from it and try to find some answers. Answers that will bring me peace and the ability to live my life with joy. Can I stand back enough and learn to love this man, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of love ? Am I strong enough to live with the past that is not really passed ?? What if this is my calling ? to be able to do this ? Can I overcome the questions that run through my mind ?? I know he does love me. Sometimes I just don't know if he loves me enough. If he had the chance later would he want to be sealed to her ? To continue that love ? He has told me so many times how consuming and how much he loved her. If only I could hear him say things like that about me and fully believe them. How do I push out the conflicting things he has told me ? I think what I really hear when he tells me how much he loves me is .. "I love you but ... "
I feel sad.
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